Oh toddlerhood, that wonderful, glorious stage in a mom’s life when your child pushes you to the point of full-blown tears on what seems to be a daily basis. It’s that time that so many people tell you to, “Cherish darling, it’ll go by in the blink of an eye.” If I tried to blink any harder my eyeballs would pop out! So instead of cherishing the countless tantrums and flying sippy cups thrown at you, you just keep crying and hoping that this “phase” will only last a few more months.
Don’t know what phase I’m talking about? If you identify with the majority of these, the answer is: Yes, THAT phase.
- You spend far more time on your hands and knees than doing any other activity in your day; you’re either scrubbing off crayon stains, cleaning up food mess, picking up toys, or scooping up your flailing child.
- With the above in mind, three words: YOUR BACK. PAIN.
- You are made to flatten and lengthen your body to fit into crevices you never thought possible because your child has decided to toss his/her favorite toy into the god forsaken tiniest most unreachable place in your house; you are made to do this at least five times a day.
- Despite the physical efforts required by the previous action, you are not fit; you have every intention to be, but by the time you get around to it you’re too tired to actually get to the gym…but not too tired to open a bottle of wine! Pop!
- Now that we’ve covered how a toddler mom hydrates. Lets talk about food: it is usually consumed while on your hands and knees, like a scavenger hunt. Your main source of sustenance has taken the form of cookie crumbs, puffs and unidentifiable food substances that taste like they’d be better off in the garbage, but you’re hungry and have no time to actually eat so what the heck. These vast little pods of nutrition are obviously come across while doing #1.
- Your preferred form of communication is yelling, whether it’s at your kids, husband, dog, or random stranger. If you’re not yelling at, you’re being yelled at. You have also mastered the art of having a full length conversation over your child’s yelling, a feat of selective hearing at its finest. Yet despite all the yelling, no one seems to actually listen to you.
- Temper tantrums, you know them…hell, you throw them! You also loathe them, but as your child has so wisely caught on to, there are only so many that you can withstand before breaking down into tears and just giving the little rascal whatever she wants. It’s not good parenting, but honestly, who the fuck cares!
- Time Out. I wonder if the inventor of time out actually put his theory to test, if he had he would have realized that repeatedly putting someone in time out proofs to be a moot point. In this house everyone gets time out: the baby, her dolls, the dog. As of lately my child has started sending me to time out, and if I may be honest, I welcome the break! I also figure that if she sees that there are actual consequences to one’s actions she might stop free falling from my kitchen counter, but this could just be delusional wishful thinking on my part.
- Your house has become a clothing-optional zone, body parts are the shit apparently and it’s totally fair game to flaunt them 24/7.
- Your house looks like this:
If this isn’t a fucking phase…then I quit!!!