More Observations of a Stubborn Preggo

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July 22, 2012...a walk in the park a day before Matilda was born...

The things you will inevitably feel/go through during those nine long months…

Observations of a Stubborn Preggo: Part Deux

  • Am I a bad mother for refusing to completely lose my identity? I’d much rather look at motherhood as one of the many roles of my multi-faceted self…
  • It’s inevitable, you will become the biggest sap on the face of the Earth…shit like a PUBLIX Mother’s Day commercial (for God’s sake!) will make you weep like a widow. Don’t believe me? See the following: http://youtu.be/rwPInEIkVS0
  • Even worse…you will lose the ability to read adult literature without being consumed by a roaring sense of guilt. I desperately wanted to read “50 Shades of Grey,” but felt the adult content might penetrate my womb and corrupt my child…I didn’t want her ho-ing it up from birth…
  • BEWARE of cashiers at Publix and/or any other establishment that collects funds from people at the register…Apparently being pregnant is the equivalent of having a big red “CHARITY” sign pinned to your forehead. No, I do not wish to donate my money to orphans, homeless people, cripples, or premature babies. But then again, how do you say no when they stare at your belly while uttering the words as if in slow-motion “pre…ma…ture ba…bies”?!?!?
  • There will come a point in which your husband’s pajamas are worth more than any designer garment you may own or long to own…comfort, my friend, is key!
  • I don’t care what some insane b*tches out there will tell you…Pregnant sex is not sexy! There are no uncharted depths of pleasure to be discovered or secret intimacies to be tapped into. Truth is – you’re fat, you’re slow, and all of a sudden positions that once seemed so simple and effortlessly pleasurable, now feel like you’re attempting some death-defying act straight out of the newest Cirque du Soleil traveling show. Quite frankly, the only reason you don’t altogether quit sex cold turkey is ‘cause, c’mon, a girl’s got needs…
  • You will want to clean everything in sight. Three times.
  • Everything pink and blue and fluffy is now cute. Just deal with it.
  • Other women…let me rephrase that…other mothers will habitually lie to you about the changes your body will go through during pregnancy. Take, for example, the transformation of your breasts. It is common knowledge that one’s breast will become larger during these nine months. We are told this, and are often told “they’ll go back to normal once the baby is born…” However, no one tells you that your nipples will turn into satellite dishes and your once beautiful rosy-hued areolas will look like they’ve been charred to a crisp. Yes, this is disturbing…but you b*tches need to know what you’re getting yourselves into.
  • I won’t even get started on what happens south of the border during pregnancy…go research…
  • “Nesting” (the instinctive urge pregnant mammals exhibit prior to giving birth) is not a myth. In a mere 72-hours I had more than a handful of manic anxiety attacks over the baby room. The need to feel prepared somehow clouded all logic and adult reasoning I may have previously possessed. I literally kicked my husband out of his home office/baby-room-to-be and went on a savage diaper-buying rampage. Note: purchasing diapers is an effective coping mechanism for the nesting rage. The knowledge that my child had dozens of pee & poo receptacles was incredibly reassuring. It made me feel as if, maybe, I wouldn’t suck at this motherhood thing after all.
  • Childbirth classes are overrated. I attended one, and decided to let nature run its course. Seriously? My grandmother had six children and I highly doubt she EVER studied the teachings of Dr. Lamaze, Dr. Bradley, Dr. Spock or any other f*cker who decided to come up with some long, drawn-out explanation of the dos and don’ts of giving birth. My approach – as long as the baby came out intact, my job was complete. If I had to punch and insult a few people along the way…c’est la vie.
  • Deciding what to eat will at times bring on an onslaught of tears so uncontrollable that you’ll render yourself completely helpless. Think of it this way…life can be quite overwhelming when you’re starving (even though you ate three hours prior) and have to choose between a gloriously succulent burger, delectably spicy Thai food, or a cheesy gooey Mexican feast. I mean, it’s not like you can drink your calories anymore, now you actually have to chew them…this is serious business people!
  • I complained A LOT…but I have to say that pregnancy was BY FAR the most badass thing I’ve ever done, hands down.

 

July 22, 2012...a walk in the park a day before Matilda was born...

July 22, 2012…a walk in the park a day before Matilda was born…

 
 
And then the real fun starts…

StubbornTalesMore Observations of a Stubborn Preggo

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